When Church Hurts

Clinging to Christ When the Body Feels Broken

As Christians who are called to love Jesus and His Bride, reflecting on our wounds from the Body can feel dangerous, unspiritual, or even heretical. I can't help but read passages from Scripture such as Ephesians where the Apostle Paul exhorts and encourages the church of Ephesus (and the Church today) to

"Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." (Ephesians 4:3, NIV)

We should be a unified Body of believers in order to glorify God and proclaim His message of redemption to a dark and broken world. But what happens when that pain and darkness splinters us from within? How can we be fully capable of loving our Lord when His Bride shuns, rejects, or harms us?

It deeply burdens me and breaks me when I counsel people who have been deeply wounded by their local church. Whether it was calculated, unintentional, or fell through the cracks, the pain of this gash is unlike anything else we experience as Christians. Where we were supposed to be safe, seen, included, loved, discipled, built up, has become a place of unrelenting anguish, fear, and deconstruction for some. There are Christians who have truly been forsaken by their mother and father (Psalm 27:10) and are looking to be received by God and His people—only to be met by individuals who resemble hired hands more than the image they are called to reflect: the Shepherd who cares for His sheep (John 10:12–13).

Most often in the Christian community, we are quick to offer prayers and some phrases towards those hurt by the Church. Usually it can sound like:

That was people who hurt you, not the Lord.

No church is perfect.

You don't want to cause division or gossip.

You must have misunderstood what they meant.

Put your eyes on Jesus, not on people.

I am sure these are said by well-meaning folks, but these phrases can often ring untrue, hollow, and dismissive.

What I don't think we realize as we quickly throw out these words is that we can completely dismiss or disregard the very real pain and scars left by the Body. Instead of sitting with a brother or sister in Christ who has been wounded by the "shepherds", our reactions tend to devalue and disintegrate those who are hurting. How can we react to the news, or experience, of a fellow brother or sister in Christ suffering at the hands of the Church? And how should we personally move towards Christ individually after this burn?

1. Listen Well and Bring it to the Cross

   When someone we know, or even ourselves, encounter tragedy within the walls of the sanctuary - God knows, sees, and cares. For those who are having to come alongside a brother or sister in their distress, take the holy time and space to grieve as they are grieving, and weep as they weep (Romans 12:15). For those of us individually who are in the throws of this anguish, don't bury your feelings away purely for the sake of "maintaining peace" - but cry out to the Lord in your time of need. Let a friend know who can help you bear this burden and lead you to the foot of the Cross (Galatians 6:1).

   
   

2. Pray for Discernment and Wisdom

   I won't ignore the very real fact that there have been some Christians who have used the term "church hurt", when in fact there has been no real hurt according to Scripture - but I caution all of us to continuously pray for wisdom and discernment by the Spirit in order to know the right path forward. Consider the situation in which you find yourselves in and seek out wise counsel from trusted brothers or sisters in Christ. We must submit our hearts and minds to Christ, and walk in the paths of righteousness even if we find ourselves amidst the darkness, or in the wake of another's destruction (Ephesians 5:8). As a personal reflection on this point, I find it difficult to immediately move into a posture of wisdom and discernment in the moment I have experienced a hurt. Most often, I have found myself (and others) quickly in the heat of anger, apathy, bitterness, disillusionment, or outrage towards the situation. As often there have been times where I merely perceived a hurt, there have also been times where true hurt was experienced. We need to desperately rely on wisdom from the Spirit, and the Word, in order to assess our next steps in truth and grace.

   
   

3. Grieve

   As quick as some folks are to sling out those well-meaning phrases from above, we hardly address God's heart towards those who fail to care for the flock.

"Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel; prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Woe to you shepherds of Israel who only take care of yourselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock? You eat the curds, clothe yourselves with the wool and slaughter the choice animals, but you do not take care of the flock. You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally. So they were scattered because there was no shepherd, and when they were scattered they became food for all the wild animals. My sheep wandered over all the mountains and on every high hill. They were scattered over the whole earth, and no one searched or looked for them." (Ezekiel 34:2-6, NIV)

God is displeased and distressed when the shepherds fail to care for the sheep. He grieves this and longs to save the flock for Himself as our Good Shepherd. If it grieves the heart of our Lord, why should we not also grieve these moments? Don't rush past those feelings and sweep them under the rug. Allow the Good Shepherd to sit with you, because He weeps too.

4. Address the Hurt

   When we experience sin from someone else, whether it's another brother or sister in Christ or a church leader, God desires for us to speak out against it. I regularly reflect on a passage from Leviticus 19:17:

"Do not hate a fellow Israelite in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in their guilt."

This is a challenging piece of Scripture. This passage is included within the book of the Bible that introduces us to living holy as He is holy, which mentions that holiness looks like speaking the truth in love when someone wrongs us. It is true that some things we can move forward in by overlooking and extending grace (Proverbs 19:11), but other times we should not overlook or ignore it. God desires for us to bring things hidden into the light. Having a wise, trusted friend, mentor, or counselor help you gauge this can be helpful as we seek to pursue peace when possible. The Holy Spirit can also help you discern through prayer and spending time in the Word what the right course of action could be. Whether that is fasting and praying for direction, seeking counseling, scheduling a meeting with the offending party, pursuing biblical mediation, or even needing to contact local authorities in some cases - the Spirit desires that we do everything unto the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31). Here is a great, practical tool to help assess and discern what next steps could look like.

5. Surrender to God

   We must remember ultimately to surrender all things to the sovereignty of God and His ultimate justice. Part of this surrender includes forgiving the other person with the strength that can only come from Christ (Luke 23:34). There is much more that could be said on the process and act of forgiveness, especially in egregious cases of sin and abuse, that cannot be covered in this brief blog. I also know there are cases where biblically we pursue, or encourage others, into every right avenue after a hurt (or sin) has occurred, and maybe justice does not prevail. Perhaps the other person does not repent or express grief over their sins, or even stop to acknowledge the wrongs they have committed. Perhaps you share about the hurt but you are not believed or supported. Maybe even you have shared with others in good faith, with nothing to be done or rectified. It can feel isolating, damaging, and paralyzing. No matter how the situation turns out, we must desperately cling to the King of Kings who will return with justice and truth (Revelation 19:11). Whether or not things are fully resolved in this life, we can relinquish our case to the One who has seen all, and will rule and bring "the fury of the wrath of God Almighty" (Revelation 19:15). I promise friends, justice will be satisfied.

As we close, I wanted to offer a quick note: I desired to write this not as a complete, comprehensive guide for those who have been hurt by the Church, but more so as a practical process for us to stop, think, and pray as we unpack our hurts with God and others. I pray that these words encourage you to cling to Christ in your moments of brokenness, or the shattered pieces of others, and remind you to look up and be ready - our perfect, faithful, and just King is coming soon.